Journey of the Hunter

First and foremost, thank you for checking out my blog.

Some of you might know me for my contributions here in the Writer's Study. That, though, is but one aspect who I am as a person. I have my daily struggles and triumphs, just like everyone else, and felt like it was about time to share some of the wisdom, insights, or shortcomings I've been experiencing.

Saturday, February 27th, 2016

Today has been a bag of mixed emotions for me. On my return trip from Atlanta last Thursday, where I received word I would need to undergo laser eye surgery, to correct a condition I'd developed associated with corneal dystrophy, I got in touch with someone to tell them the news. This someone, a young lady who I'd met online back in early January. In the messages we exchanged that day, I brought up to her that because of the surgery, it would leave me unable to safely drive for upwards of between 7-14 days, and that should her schedule allow it, it'd be nice to meet up with her again. Not seeing anything that'd get in the way, she agreed and said she was looking forward to it.

But let's get this out of the way first. Due to the nature of her schedule, which involves going to school and work, it rules out meeting at any point during the week, which then leaves me two days to work with to plan something. Since we met up about a week and half after meeting online, one thing has come up after the next. One week, she and her sister spent the weekend in Nashville, then the next three weeks, she's working on a project, and last week, she was out of town for work to present that project.

Given how potential friendships/relationships have gone for me in the past, where I was hasty in wanting to do too much too soon or getting too anxious; with this young lady, I wanted things to be different. Naturally, because of my personality, I tend to be a bit of a worrier and somewhat anxious, meaning I can get impatient very easily. And that, in trying to build a friendship that could, with time, morph into a relationship, is a bad combination. Add into this, where there are 3-5 day stretches where I hear little, if anything, from her, and it exacerbates my nervous tendencies.

Okay, enough backstory for now.

Coming into today, things haven't looked promising through the week in my efforts to meet up with her before my surgery. On Monday, we exchanged several messages, and I waited until Wednesday to text her again, whereby thinking that since her project was complete, that things would return to normal, or at least semi-normal. Throughout the night, I checked my phone to see if she'd sent anything, nothing. Since I met her, I gave myself a rule not to send more than two or three texts without receiving a reply; so I didn't want to give her the impression I was needy, bombarding her, or was hovering over my phone. Most of the night went by rather quietly. Some time between 11:00 and 11:30, long after the time I usually expect her to reply, she lets me know she'd been super busy and had several tests coming up. When reading 'several tests', my heart kind of sunk for the possibilities of the weekend, but tried to stay optimistic.

Flash forward to Friday, I text her once in the morning, and again in the early evening. She doesn't say anything, though I figure it's no surprise, since it was Friday, feeling that she was busy studying, or relaxing after a long week. Late this morning, I text her to see if either today or tomorrow worked best for her if she still wanted to meet, because I've always tried to be accommodating to her schedule. As the hours rolled by without a reply, the more I began thinking the prospects were growing dimmer by the minute of seeing her.

As of me posting this, I haven't heard anything.

Sunday, February 28th, 2016

Good news is, I heard back from my lady friend. Bad news is, it's looking like the meetup isn't happening.

It's kind of a mood killer in reality. In your mind, you try not to be too preoccupied, in case a specific person you were looking forward to seeing gets into contact with you, asking to meet somewhere. How you map out an entire weekend, almost down to a 'T'. To a certain extent that is, when you reach the realization that person's going to be a no-show.

Update 1: I feel like I got blown off this weekend. Even when I asked whether yesterday or today was better to meetup, it feels it fell on deaf ears. Never comments on texts I might have sent the day before, only those I sent that day. As much as I want to retain some hope that things could work, I've nearly resigned myself to moving on.

Tuesday, March 1st, 2016

Tomorrow, for the first time in a year, I will be without a job. This comes about as a combination of the surgery I've mentioned, and another business I interviewed with about a month ago. As much as it pains me to leave, I'll take the experiences, both good and bad, along with the skills I learned, as I move to this job that awaits me. I've been in constant contact with the manager of this business, making him aware of the situation; from my honest opinion, he's been patient, understanding, and I dare say sympathetic, towards what it is I'm going through. With me calling about once or twice a week since the interview itself, it should display how badly I want this job, but while only a small step up from the job I recently left when put in comparison, it gives me that stepping stone to do better things.

I spoke with the manager today, outlining an idea I'd been going over for the past few days, and all in all, he didn't have a problem with it. That idea was for me to sign the relevant paperwork, either tomorrow or Thursday, that way, when I'm feeling well enough, I know I have a job waiting for me. The catch is, he would rather I wait until I'm 100% sure and know I can work, before he'll let me officially sign employment papers. All he suggested was to get in touch with him about a week after surgery, that way I can tell him, with a definite certainty, how well my recovery is progressing.

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016

Just getting some last minute things sorted out before the surgery on Friday. At the moment, I'm both nervous and excited at the same time, but mostly nervous. Not so much for the surgery itself, but for the 3-4 days that follow, which is going to make for one hell of a boring weekend, being that I'll be holed up in a hotel room the whole time. Need to get some things done tomorrow, mainly prepping for the trip and picking up my check from work for last week, and maybe getting a haircut and doing laundry along the way.

While in the midst of reading up on people who'd undergone phototherapeutic keratectomy, or PTK for short, a few mentioned having downloaded audio books to help pass the time, so I went ahead and got a book to listen to as I'm recovering. I'm also taking my iPod too, just for safe measure. The hardest part, above all else, it's recommended that I don't read anything or watch TV for 24 hours after surgery. I can make do without TV, sure, and even reading, but it'll be having to stay away from my computer for more or less a week that will be killer.

If I don't post tomorrow, everyone cross your fingers that everything goes well.

Monday, March 7th, 2016

Since I'm sitting here writing this, you can suppose the laser surgery was successful. By the grace of God, and the help of a pair of reading glasses, I'm able to find the strength to be writing anything, since my eyes have been touch and go in terms of light sensitivity since the surgery. Today, I had the first of my post-op follow-up exams to assess the overall progress of healing. It was supposed to be the day the bandage contacts, which were protecting my corneas as they began healing, were meant to come off. The doctor, gauging my reaction once the contacts were removed, could tell that it was best that a new pair was inserted, to allow a few more days for the contacts to do their work, before my regular eye doctor is to remove them at the end of the week.

As for the surgery itself, it took less than ten minutes, compared to the pre-op prep and immediate post-op, which took a combined hour and forty-five minutes. Spent the rest of the day after surgery holed up in the hotel, seeing as I needed to insert a myriad of drops to prevent inflammation, pain, and infection from setting in, along with the lubricating drops that needed used every 10-15 minutes so long as I was awake. Tried getting out the second day to measure my tolerances, where in some areas I did well and others that need A LOT of work. Third day was spent mostly in the hotel again, not doing much besides sleeping, relaxing with some TV or music, or going out to dinner with my dad.

My experience could be summed up like this: It's like adjusting to a new pair of glasses. It'll feel weird at first, but once your eyes get used to it, the hard part's over.

Only difference, instead of my eyes having to adjust to glasses, it's my eyes themselves that have to adjust.

Friday, March 18th, 2016

To say the past week and a half hasn't been a rollercoaster, would be an understatement. Don't get me wrong, I'm still recovering from the PTK surgery I had two weeks ago today, but I'm in a much better place visually, as well as mentally. Firstly, the protective contact lenses, which are placed in the eyes to give them protection while they're healing, were taken out twice; the first time was during the three-day post-op exam Monday last week, and for the last time this past Monday. If you're wondering why it's taken this long for an update, let's just say there's a good reason. I've seen some improvement in my visual acuity since the contacts were taken out, though the surgery has left me with some drawbacks that'll take time to get past. Notably, fluctuating vision in the form of blurriness and haze, two things I can probably expect to deal with off and on for the next couple months, and light sensitivity, which is taking longer to get over than I initially thought.

The shortcomings, however, will make the long-term benefits well worth it in the end. My vision right now, even with its deficiencies, is better than where it was when I was wearing glasses, as the text I'm writing is coming through crisper and cleaner than at ANY point in recent memory. In order not to strain my eyes too much, I'll be limiting my time in front of a computer, since despite the settings being toned down on the monitor, sunglasses are needed so they don't get overwhelmed.

The realist in me is surprised at the progress, yet it I know there's a good ways to go until everything checks out. But as everything progresses, slowly but surely, all of this will be worth the days of boredom I've had to endure to get here.

Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

The past couple months have been trying. Trying in the sense that it tested the limitations of my patience and endurance. It tested my willingness to believe I was destined for anything better than the situation I had known for the past year. On Monday night, I was talking to my dad, as I stood at the kitchen counter while he was sitting down to eat dinner. Hearing the frustration in my voice, he told me I couldn't let the hardships I was facing get me down, that I had to find a way to push my way past them. With the mindset I was in at the time, and the looming prospect of having to return to the job I'd all but mentally withdrawn from a couple months ago, I felt like I was running out of options, as my medical leave was quickly drying up. I was less than a couple days from contacting the manager from my old job and asking if she'd have any hours available, my situation was that desperate, as 95% of the applications I'd filled out in the past three months had been met with silence. This only compounded the growing despair that was building up inside, nearly resigning myself to the belief that I was next to worthless.

Then a fortuitous event happened the very next day.

During my job search, I looked anywhere I could, and given that both of my parents are government employees, I thought I'd give it a shot. A few weeks ago, I submitted an application for a job at a website for government job listings, feeling it couldn't hurt my chances, but after all the necessary forms were filled out, I left the site with an air of pessimism. A week or so ago, I'd received word through e-mail that the application had been 'referred,' which surprised me, because each application I'd submitted to this site in previous years had been either rejected or went unanswered. Then yesterday, I looked at my phone after having taken a nap and found I'd missed a call, and I only missed it because I'd accidentally left the phone on mute. Immediately I call back, telling the woman who answered the phone that I'd gotten a call from that number. She asked my name, I obliged, and that's when I was told my application had been accepted. I just about did a double-take right then and there, and nothing could the elation I was feeling in that moment.

The job I'd be taking wouldn't be much compared to what I'd be leaving, yet it gave me a path away from the loathsome existence I'd lived with since this time last year, and in turn, will give me greater flexibility and possibility in the future.

Friday, February 16, 2018

It's been a while -- a long while -- since I thought about coming on here to write anything about what's been going on.

First off, I'm in the ongoing process of searching for another job, away from the one I was hired for shortly after the last time I posted here. The job I took was passable for the first couple months, with having to be properly integrated into the scheduling rotation. Once I hit the full rotation, I didn't realize how easy I had it before then, and it was during this time I formed a negative connotation of this job in general. A lot of the shifts I worked were like a lot of jobs everyone works, gritting your teeth and grinding until your day was over. The only thing that kept me sane, and from possibly quitting this job prematurely, were the people I worked with, often making unbearable days borderline tolerable. Over a year and half later, I'm still working this same job, and to say I need a change in scenery would be an understatement. This mentality comes after having worked a grand total of one day since shortly before New Year's, that's not to say I haven't been scheduled for more, but it's mostly due to poor weather and the job requiring me to work outside 90% of the time. Recently though, I've begun applying for new positions elsewhere, so I can only cross my fingers that I'm considered for these and possibly get an interview.

As far as the result from my eye surgery about two years ago, the condition hasn't changed very much. I thought as time passed, my eyes would gradually improve from where they'd been. This is only partly truly with the vision in my left eye, not so much in my right. In the right eye, I'm still seeing ghosting, getting varying degrees of glare and starbright effects from lights, and the slight double-vision I had before the surgery. It's to my frustration that this is still going on, because not only does it impair my vision overall, it limits my job potential since I can, in no way, safely drive at night, which has been a limitation for a number of years now. Coupled with that, I can't exactly see a doctor to talk about this problem, being that my insurance was cancelled last summer and I've been struggling to find an affordable plan. To anyone who'd tell me, "Just live with it a little while longer," isn't a person who's likely been through a situation like this. I've been living with it for nearly ten years, and would like some answers on how to correct it.