Blah, blah, blah, I'm Jorge Ringwraith Razalgul Tolkien (pronounced JRR Tolkeeeeeeeen) and I'm a nutty absentminded professor who gets annoying ass phone calls all day from hippies asking about Frodo, my equally moronic fantasy character who only has nine fingers, but reflects me in real life with his little Hobbit phallic member!
Like a unicorn or a Mordor mountain troll, I'm a rare breed, an English Catholic who still has all my teeth! I'm the writer of The Hobbit and the The Lord of the Rings, works that are compared to those of Shakespeare's yet are clearly influenced by all sorts of drugs that shriveled my already disheveled brain.
Mined from the depths of my insane brain, I've created all sorts of fantastical fanged creatures that still delight little children to this day, including giant spiders like Shelob, flying Fellbeasts ridden by the terrifying Nazgul, and wargs and werewolves that tear your face off. If I hadn't died prematurely, I would have unveiled my most terrifying literary invention of all: the Flying Werewolf Spider Shark! These winged seaborne creatures allied with Haradrim of Umbar attack the naval fleets of Pelargir at sea and along the mouth of the Anduin River between Harondor and Gondor.
Unfortunately, however, I died too young by stepping on a rake in my backyard and having it crush my skull in comedic fashion, but my spirit lives on! I was welcomed by the Valar to reside in my spiritual abode of Aman, where I communicate with you now. Time to update my fiction for the recent era, then! By that I mean reshaping established LOTR canon by informing all of you that Sauron was in fact a physically disabled bisexual Jamaican woman who was merely checking the privilege of the imperialist Dunedain.